Twas the month before Christmas and all through the land,
the Christians were stirring: a war was at hand. As the secular people hung lights and red bows,
the fundies were thinking up mass e-mail prose.
They picked up their Bibles and lobbied with fury
at atheists and lib'rals as cop, judge, and jury.
The fundies - they cried, with phenomenal flair,
at a war that just didn't appear to be there.
They spoke of no greetings and secular schools while expecting the nation to bend all its rules.
Sorry, poor Rachel, you're only a Jew,
the Christians 'round here can't be bothered with you.
Kwanzaa is new, and therefore, competing,
with Jesus and Santa and holy tent meetings.
"How horrid!", "How dour!", "How pathetic!" they cried,
"It's Christmas or nothing!" and "nothing" just died.
"No glorious mangers and tunes at low level?"
"Surely, this must be the work of the devil."
And, all of those secular wallets at stores,
are they turning away all those dollars at doors?
"Jesus is the reason" they'll scream, pray, and shout,
while whipping their wallets, with credit cards, out.
And, while they are screaming, I hope they remember,
that their Jesus was likely not born in December.
iPods and XBox, enemy toys!
The Bible's the gift for good girls and boys.
Oh wait! They have products to substitute in,
by Haggard, and Hovind, and someone named Hinn?
"Here Billy! A book that will help you stay true,
about pillage and rape and incestual crews.
"But, woe to the Wii game with family fun Unless it's of Jesus, we shouldn't have none.
Tolerance, humans, and diversity,
are the wrong reasons to light up a tree?
Encouraging good will towards folk of all kind is not what dear Matthew and Luke had in mind.
It's a war on Christmas and the fundies are back,
to tell us that Jesus is under attack.
Cradles, and crosses, and creches galore!
But, worship him, worship him, worship him more.
In their zeal and devotion to make Jesus matter,
their cause has been hurt by their incessant chatter.
A war with no weapons or obvious sides,
is a war of no reason but blind fundie pride.
So, here's my proposal, for all human kind:
You celebrate your way and I'll party mine.
Praise Jesus and Mary and stars that shine bright;
I'll read to my kids and then turn out the light.
For the gifts of humanity, freedom for all,
means seeing a menorah a-light at your mall.
The lessons of Kwanzaa, it's principles seven
do nothing to prevent one a place in your heaven.
And, when we awake for our own celebrations,
it's okay that we'll build them on different foundations.
You have your Christmas and we'll have our own,
and we'll strive to feel pride in the friendships we've sown.
Tarran also has a great post at The Liberty Papers
where he asks the question: Should Governments Promote Religious Holidays?
At the risk of offending everyone, with the intent of offending no one, I want to wish all of my readers a Merry Christmas, Happening Hanukah, a kick-ass Kwanza, a Festive Festivus, a Wonderful Winter Solstice (Did I leave anyone out?), and a prosperous New Year!